Gags and Jokes

Some funny things I've found around the 'net

Some Gag pics and jokes to get you through the day........lemme know when they start to get old. I'll try to change the jokes weekly.

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Your mamma is so fat she's on both sides of the family. Top Ten Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 90's... 10. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line. 9. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.  8. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person. 7. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 6. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 5. You chat on-line regularly with a stranger from the US, but haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.  4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask if they're ready to go to lunch. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.	Top Ten Signs You Know You've Joined A Redneck HMO... 10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape. 9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming. 8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill. 7. Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day". 6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. 5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy. 4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter. 3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles. 2. Directions to the Dr.'s office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park". 1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. Top Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents... 10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost. 9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too. 8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it? 7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her. 6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion. 5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times. 4. Can you believe it! Those shit heads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check! 3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head? 2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday? 1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.	I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming? Top Ten Signs Your Spouse Is Having A Cyber Affair... 10. Lately, she sits at the computer naked. 9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette. 8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive. 7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up. 6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand. 5. Every day, Bill Gates sends 10 million dollars worth of flowers. 4. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear. 3. During sex she screams "A COLON BACKSLASH ENTER INSERT!!!!" 2. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass. 1. Lipstick on the mouse.
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all. Signs showing you might be from Canada... You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK". You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield." You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars. You drink Pop, not Soda. You know that a Mickey and 2-4's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!" You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars and no Americans. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway. You drive on a highway, not a freeway. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion, Michael J. Fox, John Candy, William Shatner, Tom Green, Matthew Perry, Mike Myers, Neve Campbell, Pamela Anderson Lee & many more, are Canadians. You know that the CEO of American Airlines is a Canadian. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed". Your local newspaper covers national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work. You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan". You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'. You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade. "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, "Huh?" You say "aboot" instead of "about" Your Beer Case handles Are Big Enough To Fit Your Mitts When you own 5 pairs of hockey skates and only one pair of shoes. You know that we don't all live in igloos and ride polar bears to work. Every murder is reported. You can understand Jean Chrétien (most of the time, anyway) You froze your tongue to something metal and survived to tell about it. You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your Canadian friends!!! And then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them... further!
UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers, and carrying a Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. PERSONAL DAYS Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. RESTROOM USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week! THE MANAGEMENT
These days we are all some what caught in an "Internet lifestyle", so here are some things you can do in the horrific event your ISP goes down... 1. Dial 911 immediately. 2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years. 3. You mean there's something else to do? 4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote. 5. Work. 6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family. 7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off. 8. See if your eyes can still focus to distances further than 3 feet. 9. Get ass groove in chair fixed at store. 10. Tylenol... Tylenol! Where the hell is the Tylenol! 11. Do shopping with clothes on. 12. Check your mail box every 15 minutes.